Everything is Yoga

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Back Support

I felt pretty capable prepping to move (see my moving day musings) but that post made it look like I did everything alone. The truth is, without the incredible generosity of so many close friends, my ability to make this mission happen would have stalled on the tracks like the Hachi on its’ first trip out. […]

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Widening the Lens

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 represents the year of the metal rat. The rat signifies prosperity, wealth and surplus. The metal element signifies stability and reliability. The metal rat combined can suggest stockpiling or hoarding but also the ability to turn unlucky events into fortune. So far 2020 seems anything but profitable, stable or […]

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Combat Training in a Non-Combat Condition

Falling pregnant and entering a delicate condition, I accept the lapse in flying training. However, out of dedication to my next job, I felt determined to complete any and all other training requirements associated with staying ‘mission ready.’ Ground training includes a plethora of online training events relating to everything from protecting information to human trafficking awareness. Easy…even in my delicate condition. I can risk the carpel tunnel of hours of clicking through slides. Aside from online training, there are also a number of in person classes. Again, sit in a class and discuss visual illusions and nuances of flying under night vision goggles…most of these I’m authorized to teach. Classroom setting, no biggie. However, a few refresher courses present a more hands on approach and only come around every three years.

Combat survival and Conduct After Capture refresher courses for example provide a little more intensity than your average power point show. On the first day we conduct a series of unarmed combat techniques on dummies and on each other. The second day is survival, simulating crash landing in enemy territory. From my memory, the training involves a fun hike through the woods, some face paint and maybe a little low crawling. Mostly, I remember sitting around board in the woods. My due date for the course was a month away and if I waited, my next unit would have to figure out how to schedule the class a year later. (See my post on coming clean to my tiny unit (hehe) and the inevitable strain I was about to cause them.) If I knocked it out now, I could spare them the slight inconvenience and potential week long delay to my already 9 months of ‘Not Mission Ready’ status.

My military discipline and determination set in and I signed up for the course. Day of the unarmed combat…it all came back to me. The throws and rolls and near choke outs…um OOPS! Soo…teach, I am on a physical restriction from the Doctor. I can’t even express how I cringe to use a Doctor’s note to get out of physical training, the ultimate wimp card in the military! I managed to keep it low key and feel ok about the things I skipped. Day 2, ‘crash land’…ohhh I remember now. It’s actually 35 degrees and raining…just like last time…how did I forget that?! The slow paced hike actually includes scrambling and full out climbing terrain changes, unstable footing with some butt sliding down the hills and significantly more strenuous work than my less delicate self would ever consider ‘strenuous.’ Too late, I’m in the shit now. Convinced that if I take it slow and persuade the group to be mindful of our course then I’ll be fine. Six weeks pregnant, my paranoia reached an all-time high. So too was my resistance to ‘be that girl’ who cannot keep up on a very simple hike. This phobia from a decade of conditioning persists despite the fact that everyone in the class recognizes me as one of the healthiest and most active people in the group. Still, my mental battle raged on. Every time we crossed the road I though about ditching the group and surrendering. I would still get credit and would definitely be safe. Somehow though, I carried on. I’ll be fine, this is not that hard. My heart rate isn’t even at 80%. Don’t fall. Sit and scoot across the log, down the hill. Keep warm. Keep dry. Something in early pregnancy about not letting your feet get too cold?? I managed to go the whole route without incident…until the final descent to the meet up point. Barely a butt slide but an unplanned one and enough to worry me. We made it to meet up site about 30 minutes before our meet up time. Now, I am in my element. Lay down under a tree, out of site of the ‘enemy’ but for this yogi…forest bathing. Root down into the earth, trust myself, trust my body, meditate on the life inside my womb and let us both fully connect to the earth. We did it, we are fine. 

I respect that getting pregnant and staying pregnant requires a little more precise timing than our high school biology class suggests. However, our bodies have the innate intelligence to protect itself and the growing life force inside us. We cannot jiggle our embryo loose and induce a miscarriage as easily as we all think. Often people want to find a reason for someone else’s pregnancy struggles and end up blaming the mother. I believe this comes from an attempt to rationalize why it wouldn’t happen to them. This is a bias I choose to recognize and avoid. I blame no mother for the loss of their pregnancy or inability to conceive. I trust divine timing and the incredible complexity of life to accept that I am not at fault for the difficulty it took me to get pregnant, nor would I be at fault for a tragedy that befell my pregnancy. I live in awe of the human body and recognize this an opportunity to connect with my body and that of the life growing in me. I feared making that connection early on in case something happened and I lost it. This particular training event changed my thinking. I decided even if this does not go full term, I will take advantage of this unique time in my life and connect.

Any trimester meditations to relieve anxiety and connect with baby.

Or try my vata grounding flow if you haven’t tried this one yet.

I like this one for a shorter sequence.

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Widening the Lens

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 represents the year of the metal rat. The rat signifies prosperity, wealth and surplus. The metal element signifies stability and reliability. The metal rat combined can suggest stockpiling or hoarding but also the ability to turn unlucky events into fortune. So far 2020 seems anything but profitable, stable or lucky. With nearly 42 million people out of work and a recession, the only element that appears to line up is an insatiable need to stockpile toilet paper and cleaning supplies. Now, just as the season changes from a cool, quiet spring, the country is heating up with intense protests and demands for justice and racial equality. 

This sentiment surrounding George Floyd’s and too many other senseless deaths far outweigh fears surrounding the pandemic. Despite the constant, terrifying news reports regarding the dangers of the disease, people actively chose to support the Black Lives Matter movement and demand justice. As a white woman I recognize the importance of our voices to express our outrage but am also so afraid of saying the wrong thing or be taken the wrong way. I’ve spent the past week trying to learn about the most appropriate way to show support. 

The last year of the Metal Rat was 1960. So much progress in the last 60 years. So much to be proud of. However, somewhere along the line, progress towards racial equality stagnated. It reached a comfortable level for white society to feel they could drop the issue. I’ve heard whites of the Baby Boomer generation use examples of successful immigrant populations in the face of prejudice as an example of what they felt black communities should be able to do. While Asian, Hispanic, Italian, Irish etc immigrants faced adversity and society shunned them. I think its an unfair comparison because black Americans were already Americans and therefore should not be burdened to prove themselves. They also faced generations of racism. Despite how well educated or how successful they became, they could never change the perception of racists. I can only image that the mentality of an immigrant, determined to make a place for themselves in a country they chose to move to is completely different that a that of a born American who learns from a young age that their skin color will always prevent them from being fully accepted, appreciated or respected. 

I grew up fairly sheltered and was taught that I can be anything I want to be and that no one should judge another by the color of their skin. I believed sexism and racism were issues that had been defeated in America. It was very painful for me to learn that sexism is very real, very present and largely impactful on society. It is devastating to realize that I have been personally blind and deaf to the prevalent racial inequalities which pervade every aspect of society from education, to banking, to medical treatment to police brutality. I have been comfortable because I don’t see or hear blatant racism. I wanted to believe things were better and was unable to open my eyes to the realities. I remember being outraged by Rodney King and thinking that was a major turning point in society. The truth that very little has changed since his brutal murder is unacceptable. Our grand-parents knew that educating people away from racism would take generations but now the progress has stalled. I believe that America is no longer plagued by racism in the same way it was 60 years ago, but have allowed our deeply ingrained racial biases to remain. Our society is set up to allow racial inequality to continue. 

It is not enough that we I don’t judge people by the color of their skin, I have to be anti-racist. We have to be anti-racist. We have to look for ways to push equality, change the system and close the gap. I am still trying to learn how we got to this point and how we can be better activists and the most effective ways to improve society. I am open to discussion and to trying to see a new viewpoint. Of course I am afraid of saying the wrong thing and offending people but I willing to keep learning to get it right. I have hope that in the spirit of the metal rat, we as a nation are able to make a positive change out of these horrific events. 

I’ve read many articles about ‘how to support the Black Lives Matter movement.’ Most suggest talking to friends, watching documentaries and donating to families recently affected by police brutality. I think more impactful actions include supporting Federal Reforms in response to police violence and seeking ways to support your local black population. Join diversity committees to learn more about actions that can be taken locally and federally. 

As a student of all things prenatal. I found this podcast very informative. https://www.natalstories.com/listen

This author is from a town close to my home town and opened my eyes to a different experience. It also made me a more confident yoga instructor since it shows how we are all individuals. Not all yoga instructors look like Cali girls. She also offers free yoga classes on youtube.

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Cravings or Binges

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In my delicate condition, I appreciate the importance of healthy habits. Everything from vitamins, nutrition, regular physical activity, sleep, even the type of media I expose myself to (I cut out violent true crime and horror stories). However, in my delicate condition, my daily routine changed significantly. Since I no longer wake up early to fly, I lost my excuse to miss weeknight social gatherings (before the stay home order). My lunch hour wasn’t consumed by a vigorous hour long workout and shower. In my first trimester I found myself vulnerable to less than healthy habits. I socialized more and stayed up later. I sat around snack tables I would otherwise completely avoid. I mindlessly consumed Dino nuggets at a Jurassic Park themed book club and downed mocktails at wine Wednesday. During my lunch break, I had time to sit around, maybe take in an episode of Kardashians while eating my carefully prepared, baby conscious health food followed by…oops half a bag of Stacy’s pita chips, handfuls of granola, a banana and home-made almond butter. Did I just sit down with the jar and eat it like ice cream? Now because of COVID and living in such close proximity to the pantry that the desire to constantly snack often gets the better of me. I am no stranger to accidentally binge eating, and it is too easy to justify this type of habit by chocking it up to being pregnant. However, deep down, I know better. I have this tendency. For me, it happens when I’m bored, lacking motivation to get work done and looking for a sense of comfort and productivity. Because if I’m cleaning out the pantry while catching up on Real Housewives, I’m multi-tasking damn it! In the Air Force they say ‘flexibility is the key to air superiority.’ In life, being flexible is being strong in your foundation while adaptive to the present moment. It was easy in my less than delicate condition to just avoid temptation. Now I need to examine my healthy habits and find ways to make them adaptable no matter my condition; traveling, sick, moving, delicate or otherwise. Now I realize the importance of having more sustainable habits to help navigate those waters. Here are my tips:

  1. Meditation, you can meditate in any condition, at any time…maybe not while driving or operating an aircraft. I like to meditate for 10 minutes in the morning. Sometimes they are guided, some are mantra and some are silent. This will quiet the mind and tune you into deep rooted feelings which may lead to unhealthy habits.
  2. Make a plate. Whether at home or a friend’s house, I will make a plate. After finishing the plate spend time connecting with someone. Make eye contact and invest in the conversation.
  3. Don’t multitask. If you insist on watching TV while you eat alone. Put down the plate and watch the show. Look at the people’s expressions and let yourself be present in the show. Binge watching shows while scrolling through an infinite social media feed while munching will surely lead to binge eating. Let yourself enjoy a satisfying meal and then let yourself indulge in your trash TV completely.
  4. Snap out of it. In my normal life I would say ‘ok girl, put down the pumpkin cookies and take the dogs for a walk. Then if you still want more when you come back you can have 2 more.’ In my delicate condition, I find myself a little too tired to make that technique a reality so I focus on my connection to the space around me. It helps to pause what I’m watching/eating and breath. I do this in public too. So far my friends haven’t noticed me 3 part breathing in front of the cheese tray but they wouldn’t be shocked or offended if they did.

5. MOST IMPORTANTLY! None of these things have anything to do with calories, restrictions or deprivation. Just simple ways to break the mold if you start to notice that you’re tumbling down the Cheetos bag. The last thing you want to do is get angry or annoyed. This is so much easier said than done. Ultimately a few binge eating events is not going to hurt you or your baby but it can easily destroy your self-esteem if you let it. That is why forgiveness and acceptance is the best approach. Whatever happens when the event is over, let yourself be. Be grateful for the abundance in your life. Use a positive mantra to replace any negative repetitive thoughts. Would you say to your baby ‘you are weak, you are gross, you are out of control’?! Of course not. So don’t say it to yourself. Say ‘you are loved, you are safe, you are provided for.’ Let your baby absorb the lessons of self-acceptance and love. Best to practice flexibility and forgiveness now because I have a feeling that will serve us better than the alternative when we meet these babies in the outside world.

Meditation has shaped my life and now my pregnancy. Try some of my favorites below for acceptance and letting go of stress.

My personal mediation for letting go physical and emotional stress.

Mariellen Brown Meditation for pregnancy anxiety.

The Soul Evolution Affirmations for self acceptance.

Tuesday (43 of 108)

Coming Clean

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So I am a C-130J pilot. Generally well liked and respected. I get selected for what many would say is the coolest gig in the AF for an active duty J pilot. I am headed to a location that works with a civilian factory rather than getting stationed on a military base. It’s worth noting there are a grand total of 5 active duty members in the shop. If you know anything about the military you will instantly recognize that awesome fact yields to minimal drama, minimal extra Air Force type work and let’s face it, I won’t have 5 bosses Bob. Finally a little break from deployments, endless training flights with people who barely know how to fly. Instead, a tiny team of super professionals with a very specific mission and tons of free time. It goes without saying that I am the only woman in the group but did I mention I’m the first woman to join the unit? Well women make up about 20% of the Air Force but only about 6% of pilots are women. So that makes my team significantly more balanced since I am 25% the pilot force. The team replaces themselves in sort of a bro-network method, easily vetting the short list of applicants. I was encouraged and flattered by their willingness to extend an invite to me. Maybe a little imposter syndrome set in, certain that they really just wanted my husband nearby to party with…but I would still have to be a person with whom they trusted to shut down engines in flight.

So when my husband and I first discussed children, and I do mean first time ever…upon getting engaged I asked him never to bring up children to me, in fact if you’re set on them, maybe find someone else…Anyway, like so many people, we figured out how to time pregnancy to our convenience. I really needed to have that baby and be back flying before moving into this coveted job. The longer it took, the closer it creeped to that moving date and more frustrated I became. I had to let go. I had to let go of my perfect timing, I had to let go of worrying about how my team would judge me or feel let down. I even let go of the idea of getting pregnant at all. I don’t mean that we stopped trying, quite the opposite actually (read more here). So when it happened for real, I found out I was pregnant on the exact day that half of team was in Tokyo conducting training. We all went out and caught up. My friends in Tokyo know that I don’t often drink and while I love sushi I despise salmon or when there are traces of fish skin on the meet. Since these guys are not used to my regular habits they accused me right away of being pregnant. They were playful but there was a hint of acknowledgment regarding the strain it would put on the group if I showed up the unit that way. I laughed it off, and stored a little anxiety for when the time would come to tell my future boss. On the new moon that month, I did a card reading. I drew the Black Egg, signifying truth and the 5th Chakra (the throat). This card would represent my moon energy, building up strength until the full moon. The full moon perfectly coincided with my 11th week, the earliest I would feel comfortable speaking about my pregnancy to others.

Fast forward to week 10 of my delicate condition and I’m getting text messages about my leave plans for May and June so they can build the schedule. Here comes the guilt and anxiety. Just a few more days until the full moon, week 11 and the time to come clean. After a beautiful full moon and an even better week ultrasound, the time had come to tell the team that I am all but useless to them. Legally they can’t be jerks, and as nice people they will at least feign happiness for us. However, I know it’s the opposite of beneficial to any of them. I called them one by one starting with my closest friend and ending with the boss. If I had told them through text message, I wouldn’t have heard their attempt to sound happy for me and would therefore insert the most negative spin on whatever they said, becoming utterly convinced that they hate me for hanging them out to dry. Calling them in person was the best decision I could have made. I hate talking on the phone and if they had a hint of audible disappointment, I would have been devastated. I told them plainly, I tried for different timing, timing was outside of our control and I know it’s a strain on the office but I vow to be as involved and present as possible. They were each supportive, the boss most of all. They expressed sincere congratulations and accepted my truth that I really want this job and will be dedicated to being awesome at it from the beginning, despite my delicate condition. It reminded me that while I spent time working on my own voice and finding the best way to express the truth, I also should have tapped into some trust. Trust that other people wish me well. Speech represents the most direct form of communication, not necessarily the deepest. Our shared experiences bind us together on a profound level. Luckily all of the people have their own children or aspirations to be parents soon. They expressed the feelings of enrichment their children bring them and truly share in my joy. Human connection begins with honest communication and while finding the strength to speak up challenges the body and soul, other people deserve the truth.

Try this throat opening sequence which strengthens the back and is suitable for my delicate condition. Stream this Spotify playlist along with the video.

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Redefining My Identity

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Most companies realize the importance of indoctrination. They take painstaking efforts to build a culture and community which people dedicate themselves to and on which they ultimately build their identity. The military mastered this idea, if not created it. The Marines for one probably have the strongest ethos of all the branches. ‘Once a marine, always a marine’ after all. From my very first day at the Air Force Academy, I resisted the indoctrination. I rebelled against the idea that my fellow classmate would be my most meaningful friendships. Hello! I went to boarding school and was practically adopted by my best friends’ families on weekends and big events. Those things stick with you more than gratitude that someone helped push your ass over a wall or carried your rifle when your sea-level, smokers lungs almost collapse on a formation run.

I never let the Air Force define me. Then, I reluctantly went to pilot training, fearing the 10 year service commitment post-graduation most of all. The instructors reminded us daily that our luck may run out and we wouldn’t be allowed to play pretend pilot anymore. We could easily be striped of our flight suits and sent off to be intelligence officers. The pilot training community represents the haves and the have not’s in the form of wings on your chest. I love a challenge and will not be told that I cannot have something. All my life if I put in the work, I see the results…except for getting pregnant, it didn’t work like that (read more about that here). In training, I always peak early and stagnate, placing me solidly in the upper middle of any sport or competition. That’s a comfortable place for me.

Even after the completion of training and wings on my chest, I felt like a fake. Mostly I felt so new to flying that my measly 100 hours meant nothing in comparison to the 1000 hour Captains with deployment experience. Fast forward 4 years and I’m an aircraft commander with deployments and 1000 hours, still sometimes felt like an imposter. Side note, I relate to a lot of what Sheryl explains regarding women in the workplace, but a shitload of men have this imposter syndrome also, especially pilots. We fake it and hide it well, but it’s there. I think even strangers picked up on this potential phony. Like they couldn’t believe me because maybe I barely believed it myself when I said the words “I am a pilot in the Air Force.” Many people looked at me in shock, some questioning how such a ‘little girl could fly them big ‘ole planes?’ I didn’t know either buddy. Finally, as a 2000 hour evaluator pilot, I have true confidence and comfort in my position as a senior pilot. Adults no longer look at me terrified when they realize how young military pilots are when I confess that I fly for the Air Force. Maybe they find my premature grey hairs reassuring. Although about a year ago a good ‘ole boy my very same age asked me ‘are you a real pilot or one them side chicks?’ He must have been confusing the Air Force with commercial pilots who I am pretty sure go from side chick to side chick…I shouldn’t joke since my husband just got hired by the airlines.

So now that I really embraced being labeled a pilot, I happily added it the list of other titles in which I find pride. I love being a student, a Sacred Heart Girl, a wife, a dog person, horseman, volunteer, amateur photographer, runner, yogi, health nut, USAFA Grad and pilot. But what happens when your delicate condition prevents you from riding your horse, keeps you from running and expanding your handstand practice. Most of all, prevents you from working the job you trained years for, spent your life perfecting and finally gained true confidence? What happens when you take almost a year off of those things? Every office consents to a slight amount of work stoppage due to pregnancy, but not that many women have to completely stop doing their craft the moment they think there’s a possibility of conception.

In my delicate condition, I lose a big part of what brings me satisfaction in life. Now comes the voice of my philosophy teacher. You are not your hobbies, you are not your thoughts, you are not your self-imposed titles. Positive or negative titles limit our thinking and prevent us from testing out new roles and prevent us from fulfilling our greater purpose. Most people realize the detriment of negative labels such as old, inflexible, scared, ugly, stupid. You’ll never allow yourself to take risks or experience life if you hold yourself back with those words. Well, it’s equally important not to hinge your identity on titles such as pilot, teammate, teacher, mother. Some people rely on physical titles like skinny, beautiful, blonde. We can lose all of those things in a moment. Why should we build so much importance around anything so far outside of our control? We are something so much deeper, part of a collective existence that transcends all of those labels. In times of doubt and sadness with the loss of those superficial identities, I turn inward, connect to my true self and acknowledge the divine within. Click here for a Delicate HIIT workout that made me feel a little more like my old self. Use this playlist to inspire a little motivation.

If you haven’t read Ekhart Tolle The Power of Now, at least google the first sentence. If you struggle with this idea, he explains it in a way which brings a sense of connection to the universe and your divine purpose. Just since I referenced it Sheryl Sandberg’s book is below.

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A Brief History

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Yoga is more than just movement

Many people know that yoga encompasses so much more than down dog and the warrior triplets. There are 8 limbs of yoga actually, and the movement only represents one limb. Learning about the other 7 brought me to a place of peace, acceptance and preparedness for life. I spent my later 20’s being obsessed with working out, clean eating, greening up my routine and ridding my body of toxins. I really accepted that processed sugar, white flour and vegetable oil are the root of most illnesses. I felt invincible, from a physical, mental and even immune system level.

I enjoy studying, learning, practicing and most of all reaping the benefits of my hard work. This mentality served me through school, sports, the military, Tabata class, horseback riding, being a wife and just about every facet of my life. Until however, we made the RADICAL decision to ‘try.’ (More on my fear of terms like ‘getting married’ and ‘having a baby’ later…) ‘Trying’ consisted of decreasing my already rare alcohol consumption from the occasional bourbon to never and my keeping my processed food binges to a minimum. After a few months, I wasn’t terribly discouraged but decided I may need to dedicate some hard work to the effort. So I studied…studied how to eat for fertility, how to reduce stress levels and exercise for fertility. Which basically means, work out if you don’t or stop working out if you do. I tried both. I learned about the follicles, sperm counts, body temperatures, ovulation predictor kits…a lot of ‘trying’ for someone who never wanted kids in the first place. At this point I passed up fun flying trips like Mongolia, Alaska and Nepal out of concern for ‘missing the window.’ I stopped working out as vigorously, avoided vacation to zika infested places (oh by the way, that’s all the best ones in southeast Asia!). Ultimately, I started to drive myself crazy.

Enter yoga. I substituted yoga for HIIT and Tabata in an attempt to encourage egg quality or strong uterine lining. Slowly, my attitude changed from a feeling of ‘failing’ at what I was ‘trying’ so hard to do to that of acceptance and surrender to divine timing. I allowed myself to take work trips to Fiji, Thailand and Micronesia. All awesome experiences which provided additional elements and subtle signs pushing me forward. I wanted to learn more about this practice which sneakily impacted my life so profoundly. I picked up a few books off required reading lists for yoga teacher trainings and really devoured the philosophy. Learning about the other 7 limbs revealed insight into why my home asana practiced transformed my life.  I decided to put ‘trying’ on hold and go to yoga teacher training. This was the experience of a lifetime. It not only let me center my equilibrium after losing myself to the TTC game, but also recharge my enthusiasm for life after nearly a decade of filling a strictly disciplined military role. I did not grow up with that discipline and conforming really tipped me off balance. My dosha shifted from a Vata/Pitta to that of a Kapha/Pitta. I adjusted my diet, exercise and workout to support balancing my doshas and found a whole new take on life. I lost a few pounds of heavy mental sludge and left refreshed and ready to quit ‘forcing’ something to happen and accept life as it comes. Check out below for my recommended reading/listening and for a few prenatal friendly dosha balancing sequences.

Pitta Balance Sequence (coming soon)

Kapha Balance Sequence. A little quicker paced and slightly more invigorating to get the blood moving. It should inspire and motivate. Use the Spotify playlist here.

Vata Balance Sequence. Try streaming this Spotify playlist along with the video for added ambiance. This is a gentle slow flow to calm erratic energy.

Dosha Quiz

https://www.wtfyogapodcast.com/listen