Coming Clean

So I am a C-130J pilot. Generally well liked and respected. I get selected for what many would say is the coolest gig in the AF for an active duty J pilot. I am headed to a location that works with a civilian factory rather than getting stationed on a military base. It’s worth noting there are a grand total of 5 active duty members in the shop. If you know anything about the military you will instantly recognize that awesome fact yields to minimal drama, minimal extra Air Force type work and let’s face it, I won’t have 5 bosses Bob. Finally a little break from deployments, endless training flights with people who barely know how to fly. Instead, a tiny team of super professionals with a very specific mission and tons of free time. It goes without saying that I am the only woman in the group but did I mention I’m the first woman to join the unit? Well women make up about 20% of the Air Force but only about 6% of pilots are women. So that makes my team significantly more balanced since I am 25% the pilot force. The team replaces themselves in sort of a bro-network method, easily vetting the short list of applicants. I was encouraged and flattered by their willingness to extend an invite to me. Maybe a little imposter syndrome set in, certain that they really just wanted my husband nearby to party with…but I would still have to be a person with whom they trusted to shut down engines in flight.

So when my husband and I first discussed children, and I do mean first time ever…upon getting engaged I asked him never to bring up children to me, in fact if you’re set on them, maybe find someone else…Anyway, like so many people, we figured out how to time pregnancy to our convenience. I really needed to have that baby and be back flying before moving into this coveted job. The longer it took, the closer it creeped to that moving date and more frustrated I became. I had to let go. I had to let go of my perfect timing, I had to let go of worrying about how my team would judge me or feel let down. I even let go of the idea of getting pregnant at all. I don’t mean that we stopped trying, quite the opposite actually (read more here). So when it happened for real, I found out I was pregnant on the exact day that half of team was in Tokyo conducting training. We all went out and caught up. My friends in Tokyo know that I don’t often drink and while I love sushi I despise salmon or when there are traces of fish skin on the meet. Since these guys are not used to my regular habits they accused me right away of being pregnant. They were playful but there was a hint of acknowledgment regarding the strain it would put on the group if I showed up the unit that way. I laughed it off, and stored a little anxiety for when the time would come to tell my future boss. On the new moon that month, I did a card reading. I drew the Black Egg, signifying truth and the 5th Chakra (the throat). This card would represent my moon energy, building up strength until the full moon. The full moon perfectly coincided with my 11th week, the earliest I would feel comfortable speaking about my pregnancy to others.

Fast forward to week 10 of my delicate condition and I’m getting text messages about my leave plans for May and June so they can build the schedule. Here comes the guilt and anxiety. Just a few more days until the full moon, week 11 and the time to come clean. After a beautiful full moon and an even better week ultrasound, the time had come to tell the team that I am all but useless to them. Legally they can’t be jerks, and as nice people they will at least feign happiness for us. However, I know it’s the opposite of beneficial to any of them. I called them one by one starting with my closest friend and ending with the boss. If I had told them through text message, I wouldn’t have heard their attempt to sound happy for me and would therefore insert the most negative spin on whatever they said, becoming utterly convinced that they hate me for hanging them out to dry. Calling them in person was the best decision I could have made. I hate talking on the phone and if they had a hint of audible disappointment, I would have been devastated. I told them plainly, I tried for different timing, timing was outside of our control and I know it’s a strain on the office but I vow to be as involved and present as possible. They were each supportive, the boss most of all. They expressed sincere congratulations and accepted my truth that I really want this job and will be dedicated to being awesome at it from the beginning, despite my delicate condition. It reminded me that while I spent time working on my own voice and finding the best way to express the truth, I also should have tapped into some trust. Trust that other people wish me well. Speech represents the most direct form of communication, not necessarily the deepest. Our shared experiences bind us together on a profound level. Luckily all of the people have their own children or aspirations to be parents soon. They expressed the feelings of enrichment their children bring them and truly share in my joy. Human connection begins with honest communication and while finding the strength to speak up challenges the body and soul, other people deserve the truth.

Try this throat opening sequence which strengthens the back and is suitable for my delicate condition. Stream this Spotify playlist along with the video.