Redefining My Identity
Most companies realize the importance of indoctrination. They take painstaking efforts to build a culture and community which people dedicate themselves to and on which they ultimately build their identity. The military mastered this idea, if not created it. The Marines for one probably have the strongest ethos of all the branches. ‘Once a marine, always a marine’ after all. From my very first day at the Air Force Academy, I resisted the indoctrination. I rebelled against the idea that my fellow classmate would be my most meaningful friendships. Hello! I went to boarding school and was practically adopted by my best friends’ families on weekends and big events. Those things stick with you more than gratitude that someone helped push your ass over a wall or carried your rifle when your sea-level, smokers lungs almost collapse on a formation run.
I never let the Air Force define me. Then, I reluctantly went to pilot training, fearing the 10 year service commitment post-graduation most of all. The instructors reminded us daily that our luck may run out and we wouldn’t be allowed to play pretend pilot anymore. We could easily be striped of our flight suits and sent off to be intelligence officers. The pilot training community represents the haves and the have not’s in the form of wings on your chest. I love a challenge and will not be told that I cannot have something. All my life if I put in the work, I see the results…except for getting pregnant, it didn’t work like that (read more about that here). In training, I always peak early and stagnate, placing me solidly in the upper middle of any sport or competition. That’s a comfortable place for me.
Even after the completion of training and wings on my chest, I felt like a fake. Mostly I felt so new to flying that my measly 100 hours meant nothing in comparison to the 1000 hour Captains with deployment experience. Fast forward 4 years and I’m an aircraft commander with deployments and 1000 hours, still sometimes felt like an imposter. Side note, I relate to a lot of what Sheryl explains regarding women in the workplace, but a shitload of men have this imposter syndrome also, especially pilots. We fake it and hide it well, but it’s there. I think even strangers picked up on this potential phony. Like they couldn’t believe me because maybe I barely believed it myself when I said the words “I am a pilot in the Air Force.” Many people looked at me in shock, some questioning how such a ‘little girl could fly them big ‘ole planes?’ I didn’t know either buddy. Finally, as a 2000 hour evaluator pilot, I have true confidence and comfort in my position as a senior pilot. Adults no longer look at me terrified when they realize how young military pilots are when I confess that I fly for the Air Force. Maybe they find my premature grey hairs reassuring. Although about a year ago a good ‘ole boy my very same age asked me ‘are you a real pilot or one them side chicks?’ He must have been confusing the Air Force with commercial pilots who I am pretty sure go from side chick to side chick…I shouldn’t joke since my husband just got hired by the airlines.
So now that I really embraced being labeled a pilot, I happily added it the list of other titles in which I find pride. I love being a student, a Sacred Heart Girl, a wife, a dog person, horseman, volunteer, amateur photographer, runner, yogi, health nut, USAFA Grad and pilot. But what happens when your delicate condition prevents you from riding your horse, keeps you from running and expanding your handstand practice. Most of all, prevents you from working the job you trained years for, spent your life perfecting and finally gained true confidence? What happens when you take almost a year off of those things? Every office consents to a slight amount of work stoppage due to pregnancy, but not that many women have to completely stop doing their craft the moment they think there’s a possibility of conception.
In my delicate condition, I lose a big part of what brings me satisfaction in life. Now comes the voice of my philosophy teacher. You are not your hobbies, you are not your thoughts, you are not your self-imposed titles. Positive or negative titles limit our thinking and prevent us from testing out new roles and prevent us from fulfilling our greater purpose. Most people realize the detriment of negative labels such as old, inflexible, scared, ugly, stupid. You’ll never allow yourself to take risks or experience life if you hold yourself back with those words. Well, it’s equally important not to hinge your identity on titles such as pilot, teammate, teacher, mother. Some people rely on physical titles like skinny, beautiful, blonde. We can lose all of those things in a moment. Why should we build so much importance around anything so far outside of our control? We are something so much deeper, part of a collective existence that transcends all of those labels. In times of doubt and sadness with the loss of those superficial identities, I turn inward, connect to my true self and acknowledge the divine within. Click here for a Delicate HIIT workout that made me feel a little more like my old self. Use this playlist to inspire a little motivation.
If you haven’t read Ekhart Tolle The Power of Now, at least google the first sentence. If you struggle with this idea, he explains it in a way which brings a sense of connection to the universe and your divine purpose. Just since I referenced it Sheryl Sandberg’s book is below.
